I am leaving my 20's behind and entering what I am fondly referring to as the "Dirtay 30's". Just how dirtay will they be? Not quite sure yet, but I'm out to prove that 30 certainly is the new 20...and some other things along the way.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Enormous shlong has much more advantages.
This just in! According to my Spam filter, if you are single and don't have someone by your side....and you're a dude, this might be why!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your girl shack up with your friend that's why you are alone.
His instrument is bigger than yours and this is the main reason of leave.
Lengthen your instrument and you will be popular among girls promptly.
Increase your machine length and you'll forget about problems sure enough.
So guys, basically you need to grow a longer penis to solve all of your problems and be popular among girls! Not to mention the gym bathrooms.
I mean I can't even tell you the amount of times I have left my boyfriend for his best friend JUST BECAUSE the best friend had an "enormous schlong". Probably like 7 times. Thank god someone has taken notice. THANK GOD FOR SPAM!!!!!!!!!!! This has been brought to you by Ciroc -- the official voka of enormous schlongs.
Well people...it's that time of year again. The time of year for conversation hearts, pink M+M's, flowers and annoying radio commercials. It's Valentime's Day!
If you're not lucky enough to have someone you engage in role play, or haven't had the chance to pick up a Russian hooker to spend the night with then you might be depressed OR you might be in a FUNCTIONAL relationship. If the latter is the case, may I be so bold as to make some suggestions?
1. Flowers and chocolates are the "I couldn't really think of anything to get you so I got you this..." gift. But if you're pressed for time or feeling un-inspired, or just wanna "get some" they may work well for you. Just please be creative and check out some alternative options. For example, Elenis makes some cute cookies which are also DELICIOUS. Martha Stewart knows her way around the garden (even better than the jail cell) so her flowers are FAR SUPERIOR to 1-800-Flowers or the corner bodega's. Also, send flowers to the office so your significant other can show them off...it makes them feel cool.
If chocolate is your thing, perhaps get jiggy with it and invest in some chocolate body paint or some unique flavored chocolate -- lavender infused perhaps? At least with these options you've upped the ante to "Hey, I might not be creative, but I TRIED. Now let's finger paint."
2. If you're broke (I'm still wondering when this will cease to be the case for me...) making something is pretty awesome. Some of my faves include a mix -- load it up with makeout music (according to my mom, this is Johnny Mathis) if that's your thing...otherwise just put some good music that makes you think of your "boo" on a disc and call it a day. With I-Tunes and Limewire etc...this is super easy. No excuses.
Make a card -- that's right; take out the markers and the lace doilies, sniff some glue and make something for your lova'. Nothing says "I heart you" like an old-school Valentine's day card.
Bake/Cook: I think the way to anyone's heart is food...unless you are crazy. Don't forget the booze. Even the most broke person knows you need booze. And kids, let's not forget Ciroc is the "Official Voka of Valentime's Day" plus it's made from grapes! YUMMY.
3. If you don't do V-Day and you're newly dating...tell the other person! THE WORST THING EVER is to think you're gonna have some romantic evening or wait all day for YOUR flower delivery and have nothing happen. It's like getting picked last for kickball...SCARRING.
I have much more to say about Valentime's day...because in 30 years, I have had many. So there is more to come my friends...however, now I need to run out and grab some pink M+M's...they just taste like looooooooooove.
It's time for the weekly installment of "The Hazing Incident". Sorry if I kept you waiting a long time...but they don't call it a cliff hanger for nothin'!
So, cuddle up to your keyboard and get your hot chocolate out, cause this is a tale that will truly warm your heart. So to begin where we left off...
We arrived in Miami and went directly to The Shore Club where we checked into our room which was...minimalist to say the least. The floor was "bedrock" and although the view was gorgeous...I quickly determined that the rooms had been created with the hopes that no one would actually want to stay inside but would go downstairs to party by the pool, drink $15 cocktails and eat $27 plates of crudite (yes we did all of the above and more...). Luckily for us, Friday was a beautiful day. Unlucky for us the a**hole pool boy didn't tell us that our seats would be in the shade for the ENTIRE day. I am pretty sure Traci almost killed me for complaining about the shade...but finally we figured it out and moved to the beach which was NOT filled with hot guys, but rather a group of loud women who were getting pedicures at their chairs...oh and one of them was doing so topless. When two "cute" dudes did show up to sit next to us, I had to listen to them talking about this woman's tits (their words) and how they wished her friend would rip her shirt off. I say, get a Playboy and call it a day.
Anyhoo -- Friday night was the "official celebration of my 30th birthday" and man oh man, Becky and Traci really mean it when they say something's official (see "Ciroc" and "Chris Duncan"). We went to dinner -- food was good, drinks were also good. After dinner we are about four drinks into the evening and decide it is time to go to Glass a "happening club" that Traci has gotten us hooked up at with bottle service. Of course our first question was "Do they have Ciroc?" which if you haven't heard is "The Official voka" of everything (and no, that's not misspelled...it's VOKA). Luckily they did, but our free bottle was actually of Grey Goose. Here's the deal: when you are four drinks in and someone says, "here's a free bottle of The Goose which usually costs $400" you say "Sweet, let's drink ALL of it...in under two hours." Or at least, that's what we said. And this is where stuff gets sort of blurry. I know there was soda brought to the table (who needs a hangover from the fruit juice??). I also know there was a couple sitting next to us who bought their own bottle and the woman had a butterfly clip in her hair. I also know the AC was unnecessarily blasting...but the pictures below will show you everything else that happened: The Hazing Incident.
Apparently I forced both Becky and Traci to chug out of the vodka bottle (NOTE: only voka when referring to Ciroc), Becky forced me to eat cake which was given to us by another birthday party (it could have been roofied!), the people next to us gave us their bottle of vodka and I hugged them as if I never made fun of the butterfly hairclip AND apparently in an unprecedented hazing tactic, I was FORCED to dance like a 45 year old woman and not the 30 year old Godd-ess I am.
Once this first portion of the evening was over we somehow ended up back at the Shore Club where I can't really reveal the activities that went on because as you know, Hazing is illegal and frowned upon by society. But it involved Goldfish Crackers and a crack...When that was over, Becky and I headed downstairs to keep on drinking. Ahhhh...so necessary.
If you want to find out what happened next, you'll have to wait until next week's installment of "The Hazing Incident". It's like Lost but less confusing and mysterious.
So this past week as Chris and Charlie were working on reruiting 1000 girls to get to our Super Saturday Night party I was traveling to Austin Texas to meet with C3, the company we are working with to throw our Rock the Rabbit event at SXSW (that's South by Southwest for those of you who don't know the abbreviation). The flight down was lovely (JetBlue!) and in fact, the airport service was impeccable so I take back my comment about everyone working in an airport being an asshole. I learned two things on the trip down: 1. Donald Trump Jr flies Jet Blue 2. The Heart is the best radio station on XM Satellite radio (I plan to discuss at length in the future)
When we arrived in Austin it was freezing cold (BOO!) but we got to eat at Las Menitas which made up for it. Then we checked out the site for the party which is right in the heart of downtown Austin. I can't tell you where it is quite yet, ut just know it is Da Bomb. So, we hit up the C3 offices next and much to my disappointment we had just missed Lance Armstrong. However, much to my appointment (is that the opposite of disappointment???) Perry Farrell was in the office meeting about Lollapalooza!!!!! I was so excited...I had to hold myself back from telling him that I probably sold about 500 Porno for Pyros albums in 1994...I had to restrain the urge to sing Jane Says or put a stocking on my head and re-enact the video for 'Been Caught Stealing'. So, i was starstruck and then it was time to get Happy Hour cocktails at the 4 Seasons where apparently Justin Timberlake was staying! No sighting...so sad. However, we did see Miley Cyrus's tour bus and later that evening at dinner (Uchi -- a sushi place that was AWESOME. who knew Austin could serve up some mean raw fish??) I spotted Connie Britton -- the wife/mom on Friday Night Lights. Not as good as Riggins, but still I love her.
The end of the evening was spent at some new nightclub called Pangea in Austin. This was not my ideal place to go, but C3 had to entertain some people. This place was filled with go-go dancers wearing ridiculous get ups and out of town investment bankers. Howeverm the thing that annoyed me most about this club was every time they served a bottle, they put this huge sparkler device on top of it. I think it's a fire hazard AND it akes the room light up which is the exact opposite thing you want to happen in a club environment. Who wants to see that the guy they have been hitting on is actually only 5' 3" and has buck teeth? Then at some point Perry Farrell's wife's purse got stolen...and then someone else's did as well. Moral of the story: Stick to BBQ and dive bars in Austin...FO SHO.
All in all this trip was productive -- we came up with awesome plans for Rock the Rabbit at SXSW, so stay tuned for announcements and more behind the scenes looks at what we're gonna do down there. Some of it includes costumes and sandwich boards....
I am leaving my 20's behind and entering what I am fondly referring to as the "Dirtay 30's". Just how dirtay will they be? Not quite sure yet, but I'm out to prove that 30 certainly is the new 20...and some other things along the way.
